Snap Crackle Pak

Tudor-Era Trick: No Obama-flavored pizza

2009-03-14T02:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was finally pizza day! It's been eight months or so since I've had real pizza* and I've been looking forward to sitting down to a nice spread. Maybe a few pieces of hand tossed and thin crust and even deep dish! Some with meat and some with Parmesan cheese piled higher than tide-line of my drink. I fasted all day because I was planning on eating more pizza than I could possibly imagine. I wanted to leave Pizza Hut with a certain amount of regret and with thoughts of exploding if anyone made contact with my tummy-tum. I really, really wanted to redefine "all you can eat."

What I got was another reminder that my new home doesn't have any reminders of the States. There are certain things that I miss which this country doesn't offer and I'm learning to live without but I'm still looking for something to remind me of the States and give me a little personal comfort. I unfortunately hung my depleting hopes on pizza.

This Pizza Hut didn't offer a buffet at the time we went. As a matter-of-fact, it didn't post any times for the buffet, just the general time of "Lunch Time." It did have a Happy Hour offer! It included an Italian flavored pizza with garlic bread and a drink*** for only 4 pounds. Not too bad....right? Wrong! The pizza might have been a cheap frozen pizza which was undercooked. Oh, and it was an individual-sized pizza. Which means if you are a person who has been starving all day just to eat too much at a buffet then you might be a bit disappointed with a few slices from a six-inch pizza. After asking for pizza for the last 6 months and pointing out every Pizza Hut and Papa John's which are passed, that is what I get. The Moral: Never pin your hopes on pizza.

But something great came out of the horror, Theo! Theo loved being in the restaurant! It was the first time all of us have been out together. (Theo and Mommy get out a lot more than me) So I enjoyed watching Theo watching everyone. He had his back to the people so he had to twist around and look over his shoulders. Theo also used a highchair and he loved it! The highchair had its own table which instantly grabbed little man's attention. He didn't bang on it but instead he loved it by keeping it clean. He was constantly sweeping his arms back-and-forth making sure nothing was tainting his table. If I set one of his toys on the table then he would quickly dispense of the toy to get his table back to its harmony of clean and clear. We may have to get him his own table soon.

Here's a pic of Theo's first spoon fed meal.

*Real Pizza: There are a few types of food that I consider to be "real" when it's served in a restaurant and not cooked or prepared at home. Two of those foods are pizza and Chinese**. Although I love frozen pizza, it's a super treat to have a pizza delivered or find a good buffet.

**Pizza and Chinese: I've never had homemade Chinese food so my opinion of what's real Chinese food is a bit small minded. Plus I think my thoughts on pizza and Chinese food is greatly affected by the buffet. Both are foods that are served in great numbers and variety.

*** A drink in this country is exactly that....a drink. If you want more soda than you have to pay for it. 'Refill' technically means "buy new drink."

A train full of horses.

2009-03-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

It's snowing again. I was told that snow is a rare thing in Edinburgh yet it seems to snow every other week. It may not last for a whole day but it is enough snow to make everything white and clean. The weather makes it tough to get out and see the world but bad weather has its place. I would like to think that bad weather was the inspiration behind these foods. And I know for a fact that bad weather was the motivating factor for this product.

Of course bad weather days can lead to great internet discoveries. I'm glad this person shared Obama's potty-mouth with us. I hope this means that Obama won't be a censorship-tyrant like former President Bush. I just wish Obama wasn't so racist. Have fun.

And it's also refreshing to see that anyone can be a "wanker." Click here.

Finally, here is a quick reminder of who is the cutest baby boy in the whole world.

Oh yeah, I think I'm getting real pizza tonight!! Look out!

A week in the South.

2009-03-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

We took Theo on a trip to visit his little cousin Zosia. Zosia and her parents live in a little town called Henley-on-Thames. Theo took to the 9 hour car ride like a champ. He slept most of the way and enjoyed eating in the parking lots of many different service areas.

(A BBC ad just said the phrase "...a troubled pianist." Pretty funny to a person who still has ears for an American accent and who is only half paying attention.)

Anyway, Theo had a great visit with Zosia. It's great knowing that these little cousins are going to spend a life-time together. Theo also spent a day in London, the Big Smoke. It was a much more fast-paced atmosphere than he is used to but he really enjoyed it.

But the big news came down on the first night we were there. Theo hasn't been sleeping well recently, he's been waking up two time or more during the night, and we discovered why. Theo has teeth! You can see for yourself.

Here is a closer look!

That's his first two teeth. Now we are waiting for the next four from above.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-31T02:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

And have a happy February! (White rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit!)

Superman

2008-12-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

Superman Returns was on TV. As an action movie there isn't anything to dislike. But like most action-type movies, the story is a downer. Now, I know that if I'm willing to believe that there is a person who is invincible then I should also go along with all the other plots. Having said that, here are some questions.

1) Can Superman reproduce with a human? Generally speaking, he isn't human and he's a different species. (Kathryn's point)

2) Can Superman ejaculate? Seriously? If he doesn't feel pain then isn't it safe to say he doesn't feel pleasure. Ok, lets say he can ejaculate. Why would he want to? He can't feel pleasure.

3) If he can feel pleasure, and he can reproduce with humans, shouldn't he breed as much as possible? Wouldn't the world be a better place with more Supermen?

4) If he can feel pleasure and feels like mass producing super off-spring, what is the ratio of "good" Supermen to "bad" Supermen? And what is the lowest ratio we, as humans, are comfortable living with? 10 to 1? 8 to 1?

5) Whose side would Superman be on, the Israelis' or the Palestinians'?

6) Did Bush 43's politics and influence on the world change Superman's motto? If you didn't notice, Superman only stood for "truth and justice." I guess the "American Way" isn't good enough.

Word.

Thirty Comes and Goes

2008-12-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

Birthdays mean different things to different people and some years are more important than others. I finally hit 30. Just a couple of years ago if you were to ask me what I was going to do for my 30th birthday I would have made a gun gesture with my hand and placed it in my mouth. I always thought I would rather die than be old and that hasn't changed. The only difference between now and a couple years ago is how I define "old."

They say you are as old as you feel. Hmmm... What the fuck does that mean? I'm mentally the age of a mature Arnie Grape, and I physically feel like I'm about 52. So I guess that averages out to be about 30. I can't complain too much because I've out-lived some great people: Kurt, Jimi, Jim, Janis. Which makes me think they weren't that great. In a few years more, I'll be older than Jesus which means (that's right!) I'll be greater than Jesus! In ten more years I'll be greater than Lennon. My greatness will be unstoppable!

So what does someone do on their 30th birthday? I know a 16 year old will go out driving, a 21 year old will go out drinking, and a 25 year old will check his auto insurance. I don't know what a 30 year old does besides trying to reenact Deer Hunter. But here's my day in a nutshell.

I woke up around 9 am. (I was actually up before that with the baby but I fell back asleep as soon as I could.) I took Theo with me so he didn't disturb his mommy, and to let her catch up on some sleep. Then Theo and I had a discussion about Israeli politics while eating a bowl of cereal. I agreed with Theo on everything until he said that Israel is finally worse than France. No one will ever be worse than France, but I cut him some slack since he's only three months old. After breakfast we decided to watch a movie. I considered this to be a good opportunity to show Theo one of my favorite movies, Boogie Nights. He loved it!

As the movie was ending Kathryn was up and ready to make me lunch. We had waffles, eggs and bacon. It was good and I was stuffed. Of course the waffles made me think about Karate Kid, so I popped it into the DVD player. (If you didn't know, KK is another one of my favorite movies) Theodore loved it and was mimicking the crane-technique while I was trying to change his diaper. Then we watched some movies that were on the TV. We saw Jurassic Park, Interview with a Vampire, Crocodile Dundee II, and then some other horror thing. Oh, I think Great Balls of Fire is coming on later! (puke...)

The best part of watching movies that you've already seen is the freedom. It's easy to walk away from a movie when you know what's going to happen. That allowed me to catch up on all our laundry, cook the food, do the dishes and knit. I actually got a lot of knitting done today. I'm hoping to finish my two current projects by Monday.

So what does a person do for their 30th? Apparently, they watch old movies from their childhood while do laundry and knitting. (and stay up until 3 am typing a stupid blog.)

Christmas Plans

2008-12-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas!

Becoming a new daddy has changed everything about Christmas. No longer is it a worry-free day of receiving gifts and eating great food. The worries are now mine and the food will have to lose some greatness because it will be prepared by me. (Not this year...but in the future) In another year or two I'm going to be the one fielding "I wants" from a child and that's very strange to imagine. I'm going to have to get a more mature, "father-like" stocking. I'm going to have to start keeping up with toys again. I'm going to have to start keeping an eye on the hip-n-cool radar again. I'm going to have to be the worrying parent. My job is going to be about making sure my little Theo doesn't go back to school, after Christmas, as the dorky-douchey-didn't-get-cool-shit kid. (That's almost as important as making sure your kid doesn't grow-up to be a pole dancer. Which, by the way, starts by not giving your child a stripper name, like Sky or Destiny or any name that's a city, state or country.)

How about a couple of gift tips? Ok, here's what I have:

1) Cheap First Christmas!!! If this is your child's first Christmas then you are lucky! (Like me!!) All you have to do is go out and buy all the most expensive, kick-ass gifts around. Your baby, who won't have a true memory of the event, will never know or suspect your next move: returning every gift for a full refund! You only need the gifts long enough to take a photo. So in 10 years you can look back with your child and show them all the cool stuff they received on their first Christmas. Guess what? You've just became more kick-ass than before!

2) People who are hard to shop for! We all know somebody who is just impossible to shop for. Either they don't have any hobbies, or they already have everything, or they're really old, like 90. No matter what the reason, these people are BASTARDS! (Beings Adding Stress To A Really Delightful Season.) I would never endorse trying to trick a friend but I think it's quite fine to trick these BASTARDS. All you have to do is ruin or "lose" something of theirs and then replace it at Christmas. This works well with CDs or DVDs. You just have to "borrow" them early in the year and hope that your friend forgets who borrowed it. Once they forget, you have your Christmas gift set! The added bonus is the fact that you already know the BASTARDS will like it and consider you to be very thoughtful. Be careful, this may not work well with tools since most men are connected to their power tools through an invisible umbilical cord. If you don't feel like stealing from BASTARDS then you could just break something of theirs. Toasters, lamps, door knobs, blenders, curling irons are all good ideas.

3) Internet Shopping! First, Play.com doesn't charge for shipping and Amazon does. Secondly, internet shopping isn't any easier than going to a store or mall. (Items in a store that you can see can be bought. There is no back-order malarkey!)

Happy Christmas!

Here comes the sun...

2008-12-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

It's been over a week since I've seen the sun and it looks like I'm not going to get a chance to see it today. The sun rises after I get to work and sets before I get off so I won't have a chance to see it this week. Unfortunately I don't have a window at work that the sun could shine through for me to wink at. I just thought The Beatles' song was nice sounding and catchy but it really does mean something. The sun just isn't around much right now and it does seem like years since it's been around. Now I'm just waiting for everything to be all right.

Theo is approaching 3 months and he's growing amazingly fast. I think he's ready to start driving, well not before being fascinated with fire and going through a pyro phase. Here are a few tips I've picked up in my first 3 months of being a father:

1) Plastic Bags - A bad parent would let his baby play with a plastic bag which could lead to a serious suffocation accident. I've learned that a great parent would give his baby a knife when playing with plastic bags to help avoid any suffocation accidents.

2) Fire - A bad parent would tell their child not to play with fire because they could get burned, which could (and would) raise their curiosity and lead to a stage of experimenting. A great parent would give their child a superficial and painful burn to install a real fear of fire and a scar to help remind them in the future that fire is harmful.

3) Time - A bad parent wouldn't give their child enough attention and wouldn't spend too much time with them. A great parent would trick their child into liking the same hobbies the parents are interested in so they don't have to change their routine too much. (Yep...Theo is going to be a bowler!)

Those are just a few of the tips I've picked up. I'll share more tips in the future.

There is a "Dancing with the Stars" show here called Strictly Come Dancing. The show started a week before Theo was born and only has one more week left. The show has been crap for the past three weeks since an older dude, John Sergeant, quit the show. He wasn't a good dancer and people were upset that he kept getting saved by the public voting. He quit because he was scared that he could win which would make a joke out of the show. (That's right! He was scared to make a TV concept that takes "celebrities" and makes them "dance" into a joke. Yikes!) People were upset by the fact that he couldn't dance and better dancers were being voted out of the show. Being a dancing show, shouldn't the best dancer win? Yes, if it were a dancing show. But it's not. It's a show that places famous people, or supposed to be famous people, in a dancing environment and cons the viewers into voting for their favorite celebrity dancer. If it were a show about dancing then they would have invited good dancers to compete instead of celebrities.

Last night show was the cherry on top of the crap pie that they have been serving for the last few weeks. With only three dancers left, they were suppose to narrow the field down to the final two dancers. The aired the show live and then took a two hour break to allow people to phone in their votes. The show came back on a couple of hours later to reveal the results. As always, the show did all the dramatic crap to build suspense (music, slow introductions, long pauses) and, instead of announcing the safe dancer, they announced that all three dancers made it through to the final. What a waste of time! This country needs Tivo!

Voting and colic...are they the same?

2008-10-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

This post is intended to clarify my political view because of a venting email that I received. I must say I did not mean to sound like an Obama (aka Mr. Hopey Change Change) supporter or a McCain supporter. I think they suck equally. I couldn't vote for anyone who sounds like The Rock or anyone who lived through the Great Depression. (Although that might be a plus during these times!) I know I'm not the only person who thinks Obama sounds like The Rock, but am I the only person who thinks it is scary that Americans find his speeches hypnotizing? I guess Americans like that style of speech since that's how Dewayne Johnson became famous.

The email I received mainly dealt with my view on Obama's economic theories. He's not for big business, which is fine, but I was trying to make fun of his poor logic. I also believe that big business is horrible when measuring how much they care about people. But the problem with Democrats and their anti-big business views is that they want to expand the government to regulate all these businesses. So instead of having a 100 powerful corporations, Democrats want just one: the Federal Government. The US government already employs more Americans than any other company in America. "The love of money is the root of all evil and absolute power corrupts absolutely." - From email (talking about big business) I totally agree, 100%! This is why we don't need the Federal Government becoming more powerful than they are.

Anyway, the real thing to worry about is how our choices for President BLOW!!!!

I don't think a President should be the smartest person in the world or someone who knows everything that deals with the US, but the President should be able to pick the right people to report to him. Our candidates' first test in picking the right people was their selection of VP. Now everyone has been focusing on Palin, for good reasons, but let's not overlook Biden. Here is the crappy thing about politics: Biden wasn't picked because he's the next best person to be President. No, not at all! He was picked because Obama needed an older person to help with his lack of experience and Obama also needed someone who knew a little something about foreign affairs. Complete symbolism over substance. So is Biden really any better than Palin? You watch and decide... Chuck Graham has been a paraplegic since he was 16. Just a little effort was needed to figure that out.

Palin...Jesus Christ! Can we all agree that McCain blew his first test on finding the right people. I don't think there is anything more to say about Palin that hasn't already been said. So just sit back and enjoy this modern day classic... Once again I wonder if McCain really thinks Palin is the next best person to be President. Palin asked if America wanted another lawyer in Washington (talking about Obama), but I wonder if America wants a sports anchor instead.

Of course, the worst thing about elections is the voters. Voters are horrible. They are too all-or-nothing. There never is a voter who says, "I want Obama but if he doesn't get elected then I think McCain can handle the job." You will never hear that. Too many people believe they know these candidates like a co-worker and too many people can "see" into the future. Too many voters can't think for themselves. (But I think it would be a scarier world if they could think for themselves.) Here is a clip of how sad some of the McCain supporters are. Of course this clip is just one side of the story; Obama supporters are just as foolish and scary.

What do voting and colic have in common? They are both a pain in my ass!

I have experienced and learned about colic this week. If I had to give a new name for death, it would be Colic! I'm surprised people don't refer to colic as a precondition to shaken baby syndrome. Baby + Colic = 2 hours of sleep (max).

Here is the little colicky man!

One fact about life

2008-09-24T16:16:00.001-07:00

On September 22nd, Kathryn Pak gave birth to Theodore James Pak. Theodore is a healthy baby boy who entered this world weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces. Theo is an amazing baby and, somehow, I'm lucky enough to be his dad. He is absolutely more than I had ever dreamed, and Kathryn and I are still amazed by the whole experience.

Like every father before me and every father who will come after me, I have experienced instantaneous love for my baby. So far everything he has done is heart-stoppingly cute! I know as time passes that these things will cease to be cute. Today, I found that his little cries brought a huge smile to my face. But I know in a few days time that those same cries are going to drive me nuts! (Stirring wheel in my pants) I was even smiling and laughing as Theo pissed everywhere while we were trying to change his diaper. (Nappy for the UK-ians) And that's life! Things change, people change and we all learn to love and appreciate each other in new and different ways as time progresses.

But that's not what I want to talk about in this blog. This blog is about the most basic fact of life...poo. (That's "shit" for the Americans.) Poo is not cute. Poo is the exception to the Everything-that-baby-does-is-cute Theory. I learned that the newborn baby will have a very dark blackish-green poo for the first few days. It's like butt-tar! (Black gold, Texas Tea...from the butt.) I opened Theo's diaper and found a huge amount of this tar-poo. Seriously, I thought I was going to discover a saber-toothed tiger or mammoth bones while cleaning him. It wasn't pleasant at all! I know what some of y'all are thinking..."But Seong, there are people who like poo." Yes, y'all would be correct. (Adult warning!!! 2girls1cup...DO NOT click on link if you don't know what it is!!!!!!!) That video is proof that some people are just screwed in the head. I think most people would agree that poo is just gross and disgusting.

"But Seong, poo is natural and everyone does it, so how could it be so disgusting?" Asked by liberal person.

Great question and I have a good explanation. The reason poo is gross is because IT IS POO!!! Just because something is "natural" doesn't make it immune to negative labels, such as: horrible, repulsive, appalling and offensive. Poo is just not cool. Sure, people find poo funny in certain situations. (Caddy Shack) Some people think it's funny that monkeys fling poo. But I'm 100% positive that if you were to get struck by monkey-poo then you would want to Project X every poo-throwing monkey in the world.

This is why I think Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo is the greatest cartoon character of all time. To make poo cute and funny is something I think is almost impossible. So I tip my hat to the creators of South Park. A close second was Peppe Le Pew because making a rapist funny is also a tough subject matter. (insert clown jokes here)

Here is a five-minute poem about being someone’s dad...

I'm a new father

There's a lot to learn

How to be loving

While staying firm

Giving him time

Letting him grow

Keeping him warm

From head to toe

Show him the way

To a perfect game

Teaching him to add

From frame to frame

When he grows up

He takes my quote

"Whatever you do...

Never vote! Politicians are asses and anyone who would spend tens of millions of dollars for a job that pays only hundreds of thousands shouldn't be a person who determines the direction of our economic policy. Seriously, Obama's economic philosophy is horrible! So, he is for the smaller business. Great! Lets help out ma' and pa's store so it can be successful. That is until it gets too successful and then we'll consider it a big business. At that point we will have to destroy it!! That's American capitalism. (Insert small business growing too big that everyone bitches about...Wal-Mart) Well, vote in McCain and Palin. I like McCain except that he's 100 years old. Older people can do things just as well as anyone and they have the right to! I mean older people have driver licenses and look how well they handle that privilege! I understand he could live for 20 more years but do you really want to take that risk? I mean, Palin could be President!!!! Shit, she was a news anchor!! People said she gave a good speech at the GOP convention.... SHE SHOULD!!! SHE READ FOR A LIVING!! This begs the question: Who is the biggest talking-head? Sports anchors or politicians? Seriously, voting is a waste of time. But the worst thing about any of it is the fact that voting, or not voting, doesn't matter. Not because of a "hanging chad" reason or the Electoral College argument, but because of the whole idea behind collective bargaining. Jesus, the Electoral College is about the only sound theory in our whole voting system yet people bitch about it. I think that's a great indication and statement about our government.

Anyway, I love my new baby!!

No baby yet...

2008-09-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

There is no sight of the baby, except for the huge spill-speedbump that Kathryn has for a tummy. I guessed that the baby will come on the 20th. But that's the great thing about the internet, I can be right no matter what! I'll just change my guess if I'm wrong.

Here is a funny site... Our baby's Palin name is Cue Manhunt.

I have been working hard on Kathryn's birthday present. It's a sweater and it's a pain in my ass.

Ketchup and baby! And "A day in the Life of..."

2008-09-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

I finally have a job. It sucks and I don't want to be there too long. As a matter of fact, I don't want to talk about it. It does afford me the opportunity to think about some of the stuff I have done since I've been in Edinburgh.

I have hung out with a dude name Colin a few times. One time we saw a movie about the "abuse" the prisoners endured at Abu Ghraib. Another time we went bowling and out for drinks. And the last time we went to a friendly between Northern Ireland and Scotland. Let me catch you up on the night we went drinking.

Honestly we didn't have a lot to drink. We were both drunk but we weren't shit-housed or anything. He did introduce me to a horrible shot: After Shock! It's like Mad Dog 20/20 but worse. Anyway, we leave the bar and I decided to use his direction home as my compass for my direction home. I wasn't totally sure where we were but I knew which way my home was compared to his. Smart? Right! (Short answer and explanation) NO! A drunk person shouldn't follow another drunk person unless it's to a bar. So, I left the pub around midnight and I should have been home in less than an hour. An hour passes by and I get a call from Kathryn because she's worried about me. That's right folks, I'm lost. Apparently I found my way to the other side of town. I was a hop, skip and jump away from the Forth! Here is a map that sort of traces my steps. Click here to laugh at me. Point A is our home, Point B is the area of the bar, Point C is the furthest point from home, about 4 miles away. My beautiful wife picked me up around point C around 1:30 am. Yep, I walked drunk for an hour and a half.

Speaking of being drunk, is alcoholism really that bad? If so, is it really a disease? If so, can the same be said about soberism? I think a person who doesn't drink has a disease that's just as bad as alcoholism...Teetotalitarianism! They want to be sober and have complete control over all of the actions and reactions. Poor souls. Alcoholics, by definition, drink despite health concerns or negative social consequences. I think Teetotalitarians have the same problems. They continue not to drink despite health concerns and negative social consequences. Drinkers live longer than non-drinkers (protection to CHD) and they don't have as much of a negative impact on social gatherings. What do I mean by that? Well, non-drinkers are douche bags that practice douchebaggery. Who really wants to hang out with someone that doesn't drink?

Oh, I learned that hardcore football fans (soccer) are anything but! While at the friendly I heard 20,000 hardcore soccer hooligans singing along with "Sweet Caroline" and "I Will Walk 500 Miles." Yep, even the hardcore hooligans take five minutes out of their manhood to sing along to Neil Diamond.

So, the baby is due any day now. Actually, there is exactly a week until the due date. The baby could fall out any moment now! It's quite exciting! All the excitement has led me to this question: If you were a cartoon and could have a fantasy-character-birth, which would you choose? For example, an Alice in Wonderland! That's when you send a white rabbit in and have the baby follow it out the hole. How about an Oz? That's when the birth canal is painted yellow and the baby has a lollipop for the journey. There is also the Peter Pan! The baby has a good thought and flies out while chasing its shadow. I would want a Piggie! That's when I shallow a big, bad wolf and he huffs, puffs and blows out my little piggie.

I also was thinking about a few things I would like to teach my baby but can't. One thing I couldn't teach Paklett is to stay away from men with a Freddie Mercury mustache. Although it's practical, it won't teach Paklett the lesson of not judging a book by its cover. I would like to teach Paklett the answer to any and all questions "...bend over, I'll show ya." Seriously, try it. All of my friends know about it. Think of any question and then answer it with the magical phrase. (What time is it? Do you have any open lanes? What's your mom's maiden name? Who are you voting for? What's your favorite color? It always fits and it's funny) But I can't teach Paklett that because other people might not think it's as cute as I do. Those are just a couple of things off of my list of things I'm not allowed to teach Paklett.

Here is another "A Day in the Life of..." This is from J.C.'s blog. Enjoy!

I had the best father a boy in my situation could have asked for. He wasn’t a big player for the superficial things in life like curfew, allowance, and coming to my extra curricular events. But what he did was give me motivation, limitations to overcome, and a constant reminder of my frailty.

My father didn’t have a name like your father – Bob, Steve, Gary or Dad. My father’s name was Fear. That’s right; I was parentless and left with Father Fear. Most kids like me have had a hard time overcoming and living with Father Fear. His constant oppression and tough love can be too much to bear. It was truly a daily routine to show him I was growing and learning. What you won’t understand is how your fear is different from my Father. Your fear is an emotion; my Fear was real. Your fear can be taken away by a nice talk and an understanding from your parents. You can dismiss it and afterwards you feel a sense of relief. How could I ever dismiss my Fear?

Like most children, I respected my Father. Respect! What a concept. It’s like an unmanned battleship floating in a crowded sea. It can be your friend or your foe. Too many times Respect is thrown around without a thought or moment of pause. Most kids respect their parents for no reason except for the fact they birthed them. Frankly we give out Respect too much, like it’s a lower rung concept. By God, it shouldn’t be as arbitrary as Time or as misused as Desire. Don’t get me wrong, there needs to be a general Respect for, and between all humans.

NO, wait! Not Respect. Maybe we should call it Understanding. YES! That’s it! What we need is to understand that you and I are alike and that you and I are different. We should understand that we all live, and we all are going to make mistakes. We should understand that someone else’s life is more precious than our own.

Excuse my tangent.

My Mom, my sweet Mother, was the Queen of my life and reason I survived in this unreasonable world. She has the simplest and most beautiful name which rolls off of every person’s lips during the happiest and most passionate times. I called her Love. Love, what a trip! She is comparable to Luck and as controllable as cancer, and can be just as deadly. These aren’t harsh words or thoughts fueled by venom. It’s just the truth. Like any mom, she can be tough at times.

What I miss and don't miss... (1)

2008-09-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

What I miss about Texas (and the States):

Customer service in a restaurant! Texas probably has the best customer service you are ever going to receive!* When you go to a restaurant in Texas you get a waitress/waiter who knows how to serve food and meet your needs to get you out of the restaurant as fast as possible, while you leave a healthy tip behind. In Edinburgh, you get a waitress/waiter, maybe, and then they’ll ask you what you want to drink after you have come-to-grips with the thought that you aren’t going to get a drink. (Or they flat-out forget you ordered a drink!) You must truly give up on all your drink hopes and food dreams before receiving service in this country.

Customer service in a store! Kathryn and I were in the market of buying a stroller thing and car seat for Paklett. We picked out the ones we wanted but needed to get the car seat fitted before purchasing it. John Lewis, a department store, offers a free fitting service that just requires an appointment. So, Kathryn first tried to email them to set up an appointment but they never sent a reply. Then we tried calling, nobody answered and I left a callback-number. They never called me back! I tried calling again, the next day, and the same thing happened! I talked to the receptionist lady and she told me they, the baby department Bs, were supposed to return calls within 6 hours. HA!! I told her that it has been 29 hours and no reply. So she said she would mark the new message with “urgent.” I never got a call. The next step was for us to drive to John Lewis and talk to the people face-to-face. We drove down there, paid for parking and made the appointment. One non-replied email and two non-returned phone calls cost us ₤2.50 in parking and used gas! With the appointment made our journey is done, right?

Nope! We show up, on time, to their pick-up parking lot, which is free for the first 15 minutes and then cost a thousand pounds for every 30 minutes thereafter, and call the baby department Bs to let them know we were waiting. They said they were on the way. After waiting for 25 minutes in the parking lot, I decided to go into the store and find them. I found one lady and she told me her colleague was supposed to be down there. I walk back down to the parking lot to find only my super pregnant wife sitting in the car. Finally the lady showed up and said someone had fallen down the escalator and she had to deal with them. Hmm… I wonder if that was the same escalators I just used in which I didn’t see her or any bloody mess or random body part stuck in the escalator. So, she fitted the seat, it fit, and we left. It goes without saying, but we bought the car seat and pram online and not from John Lewis.

I also miss things that can kill me.** I miss the fear of being bitten by a little spider while sleeping and then waking up with half of my skin missing. Or walking through the disc golf course with the fear of being struck by a poisonous snake and dying because my friends I’m playing with won’t suck out the poison because they are arguing about how “gay” it is. I miss that feeling of fear! Everyone in Scotland has told me that there just isn’t anything dangerous here. You might think this is a good thing! But for me it’s not.
I’m a wussy, a huge wussy. I smell of wuss and I look of wuss! As a wussy, I’m scared of spiders, snakes and anything else I can’t identify down to its phylum. When you are in Texas you have to watch out for recluse and widow spiders, and rattlesnakes and cottonmouths. Time has turned my fear into a reflex. I jump at the sight of any spiders, even daddy-longlegs. So I miss these things. In Texas I had an excuse for worrying about spiders and snakes. In Scotland I have no excuse and I look like the world’s biggest daffodil when a spider comes around.

What I don’t miss:

I don’t miss trucks and big SUVs. I couldn’t stand being stuck behind a pick-up truck or SUV and not being able to see around them. They are just ridiculous-looking, especially when a 108-pound soccer mom is driving one around while on a cell phone and unable to park the thing in between the designated lines. Although, I must thank everyone who has a truck who allowed me to borrow theirs. Your trucks are okay by me. Everyone else can go to hell!

I don’t miss long distances. I find it funny how people in Texas are able to drive 40 or 50 miles away for a drink or dinner or to work! It seems so crazy. I like knowing that everything I need is within a 4 mile radius. Everywhere seems to be within walking distance here.

ESPN Sportscenter, I don’t miss it at all! How can Americans continue to watch that crap? I’ll admit, I watched it all the time and, days when I didn’t have to be anywhere, I would watch it three times in a row. Sportscenter is about 10 minutes of highlights and scores and 32 minutes of crappy sports stories and dudes “analyzing” players and games. It’s just crap. I’m glad not to have that as an option to watch. I can get just as much sport stories and stats while being online for 15 minutes than I could in an hour of Sportscenter. Although, I do miss the Sportscenter commercials.

I also don’t miss Mexicans. Just kidding! I miss Mexicans and their food.

*Unless you are stinking rich! Then you can buy and sell people from any continent and people will give you all the great service you want.

** Also include guns. I think I would rather be shot and killed than stabbed to death.

Fireworks and "A Day in the Life of..."

2008-09-02T13:31:00.001-07:00

My first August in Edinburgh has passed. Yay! If you don't know, Edinburgh is called the Festival City! Yay! Apparently the blackened and gray buildings, plus the rain, plus the wind mixed together with the lack of sunshine make Edinburgh a very festive place during the month of August.

Here is what I learned about the Edinburgh Festival:

1) The population of Edinburgh increases by a million times! There are tons of people and the streets are jammed.

2) The Festival is actually a combination of multiple festivals running congruently. There is the Military Tattoo, Mela Festival, International Festival, Arts Festival, International Book Festival, and The Fringe.

3) Some bars stay open until 3a.m. (They normally close at 1a.m.)

4) There is a small fireworks display every night (10:25), except for Sundays, and there are two on Saturdays. But the last Saturday night show (12:10) has a much larger display.

5) I can see the fireworks from the kitchen.

6) Even though Texans like to shoot people, Texans are WAY more friendly than people in Edinburgh. (I'll explain later...maybe)

7) The final fireworks display, which was this last Sunday, was the best fireworks show I have ever watched! The fireworks were synched together with music and we were able to watch from the kitchen while listening to the music on the radio. It was 100 times better than I was expecting. Although the rumor on the streets is that some of the fireworks were faked and that the Scottish Chamber Orchestra used an under aged violinist! Oh, they also used a fake conductor. The real conductor didn't sweat enough and the Scottish Chamber wanted someone who would make conducting look like real work.

Here is a couple of photos from the last display. (Oh, the fireworks come from the castle.) The cascading fountain display was pretty neat-o!

On a different note, here is my "A Day in the life of..." It's from another interesting blog. Her name is Amy S. So, enjoy!

A Day in the life of Amy S.

It’s been five years since my personal D-day; well it’s been five years since I found out. (I try to forget the actual event.) I do have a lot more good days than bad days, but that’s all I have after five years. I stopped going to my weekly herpes support group because it wasn’t helping. There is nothing worse than sitting in a room full of people who feel isolated and lonely. They became living, breathing, talking reflections of myself. It’s bad enough to hate yourself, let alone hating sixteen other people because they are a reflection of the person you hate most. I was hoping that the support group would be made up of people who would say good things like, “You’re being dumb! Your friends are dumb! It’s a blessing, blah, blah, blah…” Instead I found people who felt the same as I did and vice versa.

I haven’t made any new friends in the past five years but I have lost all but two. I remember hearing a couple of my “BFFs” talking about herpes and people with herpes about a month after I caught it. They were saying that “those people” should stick to their own kind. It was heart-breaking. Not because of their ignorant view but because I thought the exact same thing before contracting it. I know it’s just ignorant people with ignorant views but unless you have herpes you have no idea. This is why I’m lonely.

I don’t believe in love anymore. I initially thought that this virus would actually help me find my true love. I thought I would find a great guy, go out on a couple of dates, hit it off, and then I would tell him about my disease. He would naturally flinch, but I wouldn’t hold it against him, and then he would embrace me with a hug that would let me know how much he loved me and that my disease didn’t matter to him. He would actually love me for who I am, despite my disease. Ha! The sad part isn’t the fact that it hasn’t happened. No, that’s not sad because it could be a matter of timing. The sad part is my actual dream. Most people, including my preherp self, dream about finding someone to love, starting a family, buying a house, going on vacations, etc. When you have herpes your soul is destroyed and you dream about being considered a human being again. What good is love when a symbolic act of love, like sex, can destroy a person’s life, soul, and happiness?

I never leave the house anymore. I’ll run out to pay a bill, go to work, buy a loaf of bread but not for any other reason. I’ve been accused of “not trying” and I laugh at those who believe that. After giving up on guys who don’t have herpes, I tried a few herpes dating websites. Yes, I would get guys on H-ype wanting to talk to me but the second thing out of their typing-mouths would be “sex!” They would say things like, “You have it, I have it, so let’s do it.” It’s a wonder how they got herpes in the first place…

So, cheers! It’s my fifth anniversary!

Out of the Closet

2008-08-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

There comes a day when everyone must be honest and take responsibility for the things they have done. I have always taken responsibility for the responsible things I'm responsible for. Of course, not all of these things were immediately admitted and some of them are still a secret. But rest assured, 100% of my actions, that people know about, are out in the open and I don't have any secrets, except for the things I don't want people to know about. Other than that, my life is an open book... an illustrated book...coloring book...paint-by-numbers illustrated coloring book.

What I'm trying to say is I'm a knitter. I started weeks back and I've continued. I thought this might happen but not for another 30 years, and definitely not before my sex-change.

I've retraced my footsteps and I can't find where I went wrong. Maybe it was when I was 5 years old and was dressed like a little girl? (I ruled that out because dressing like a little girl as a little boy only led me to dressing like a woman as an adult.) Oh, it could have been the time I used My Little Pony ponies as trusty steeds for my G.I. Joe's blitzkrieg-like attack upon Castle Greyskull. (Na, that only led to a penchant of mopery and a strong distrust in plastic horses.)

The truth, as blinding as the sun in Edinburgh, is that I've always been a knitter. I tried to run and hide from my knitter-soul, called "Dennis", but I couldn't. I've used so many distractors and none of them have worked. I bowled for years and yet I knit! I studied magic and yet I knit! I played in bands...I knit! I throw disc, knit! Break dancing. Knit! Paint. Knit! Tree climbing. Knit! Shadow puppets. Knit! Knit! Knit!

It's my personal Groundhog Day! No matter what I try, or have tried, I end up knitting.

Anyway, here is the devil-suit I knitted for Paklett.

Check out the horns!! Paklett is going to be the cutest fallen Morning Star!!